1. Don't take it personally

Feeling subjected to scrutiny?When someone keeps a kosher standard that is more strict than your own, don't automatically assume that they look down on you because of it. Most people go though many stages in their observance, and they can probably understand differing views, even if they don't agree.

There is a natural tendency to feel threatened by the observances of others. Resist that temptation. Honestly evaluate your kosher observance, and make a conscious decision about what you feel is right. Do you feel very comfortable with your kosher standards? Good. Do you feel like you have more learning to do before you can make an informed decision? Good. Be honest with yourself about that, and feel satisfied about the decisions you do make in the meantime. Insecurity can lead a person to feel threatened; just be confident that you are doing the best that you know to do right now, and be comfortable with the possibility that you might change in the future.

If you have a friend who has a different type of observance, be open to learning new things without feeling like you have to swallow everything whole. If you disagree, be confident and cordial in disagreement. Let the difference in opinion be a reason to communicate and not to separate. Most likely, your "more-kosher-than-thou" friend does not look down on you for your decisions. But even if they do, be confident, humble, and mature, and don't let their bad attitude make you feel resentful or insecure.

Also, don't take it personally if your guest feels a need to quiz you about your food or cooking practices. They probably don't mean to call into question your character or trustworthiness. Traditional kosher law is sometimes very complex, and someone who does not do it on a regular basis is very likely to miss certain things.

2. Communicate

Peanuts: for some, a fatal food allergyOne thing that good hosts love is to delight their guests with pleasant surprises. The element of surprise is part of the fun. You bring out your special recipe or an unexpected dessert, and your guests light up with excitement.

Unfortunately, if you are expecting guests with a strict kosher standard, the element of surprise is one ingredient you will have to leave out. Remember, the goal is not to impress your guests, it is to show them hospitality, love, warmth, and friendship. They will be more impressed if you have made great strides to accommodate their inconvenient kosher needs than they would if they got to taste your secret recipe.

Imagine if you had a child with severe and complicated food allergies. You were invited to dinner with an acquaintance, and you carefully worked through and planned the meal with your host. But when you get to the main course, you find that your host has modified the plans and changed the recipe without consulting you. You don't mean to offend, but now you are placed in the awkward situation where you either have to interrogate the host about the dish, disallow your child from eating it, or accept the risk that it might harm him.

Kosher standards can be very similar. They are often very complex, and as a person learns more, they might change without notice. In addition, there is not an absolute universal standard of kosher. Even among Orthodox Jews, some people might consider something kosher, but others might feel otherwise. If you assume you know another person's kosher standards, then you put them in an uncomfortable position. Do not assume that just because you hosted one guest with a strict kosher standard that other guests will have the same concerns or restrictions.

One also should not assume that just because a food item is labeled with a hechsher (kosher certification), everyone will consider it kosher. There are some kosher certifications that certain individuals do not trust or accept.

Communication is important even if there is no question about the how strictly kosher the food is. For example, you might try to surprise your guests with sealed, kosher-certified desserts from a kosher bakery. However, your guests still might not be able to eat them if the desserts are made from dairy (or on dairy equipment) and they recently had a meal with meat.

Remember, you might not feel like your guests' kosher standards are a big deal, but they probably do. To them, it is a sin to eat food that does not match what they believe is kosher. It should not matter to you whether you think they are right or wrong; causing someone else to do something that they think is sin is as bad as committing a sin yourself.

The solution to all of this is simple: communicate, and don't make surprises. Tell your guests what you are planning to serve, and ask them if they have concerns or ideas. After all, there might be things that are easier or more lenient than you expected.

3. Work Together

To make your guests feel as comfortable as possible, offer to let them be involved in the planning and preparation as much as possible. Perhaps instead of presenting them with a fully cooked meal when they arrive, invite them to be involved in the cooking process. Let them see for themselves the ingredients and the packages that they came in. That will ensure that when it comes time to eat, they will not have any second thoughts about your food.

You can also invite them to bring components of the meal, if they are areas of particular concern.

4. Simplify

Keep it simple: Is a full meal really necessary?Does all of this seem too overwhelming and complicated? Perhaps it is. But if the goal is to spend some time getting to know one another, do you really need a full meal? You might be better off just offering your guests some snacks. It is usually not too hard to find a kosher brand of chips or pretzels and some soft drinks. If you choose this route, here are some things you should ask your guests about:

• brands of snacks that they recommend and where to find them
• hechshers (kosher certifications) that they do or do not accept
• if there are any issues with the serving bowls, dishes, or utensils that you plan to use

It is worth noting that many foods are fully kosher even if they do not indicate it on the label. Some foods are considered "unprocessed" and are assumed kosher by default. Others are actually kosher supervised, but do not indicate it on the label. Your guests might have information in this area. You should always ask them first.

5. Disposables

Disposable dishes: they make kosher easierDon't have a kosher kitchen by Orthodox standards? Much of that can be overcome by using disposable dishes and utensils. One way to be hospitable to people who keep strict kosher standards is to have plenty of disposables on hand. Most people do not feel a need to do anything to make disposable dishes and utensils kosher. This does not negate the need to communicate with your guests, however. Some disposable dinnerware products actually have kosher certification, although not everyone deems that necessary. While you're at it, it may also be helpful to have heavy duty aluminum foil available for instant kosher surfaces.

6. Take-out

Kosher restaurant: you could do worse (source)Here's an easy solution: if you have a kosher restaurant nearby, order a meal to take out, and bring it to your home. Of course, you still need to communicate with your guests about it beforehand. You should probably keep the food in its original, unopened containers until your guests are present. Also, there are some restaurants serve "kosher-style" food, such as traditional Jewish ethnic cuisine, but the restaurant may not actually be kosher. Also, you may need to provide disposable serving utensils.

7. Pre-packaged Foods

The Kosher Aisle: (source)Many pre-packaged foods have kosher certification. Check with your guests about what certifications they accept, and make sure not to open the packages until they are present. You might be able to find everything you need in a pre-packaged form. Although they might not be the most delicious option, you might even be able to find complete pre-packaged kosher meals at a local kosher grocery store or through a mail-order source.

8. Fresh Produce

Fresh Produce: healthy and kosherIf pre-packaged foods are not enough to constitute a whole, balanced meal, then perhaps you can supplement it with fresh fruits and vegetables. Most people do not require certification on fresh produce, as long as they are raw and unprocessed. Your guest might request that you do not cut the vegetables, and you might suggest that they bring their own knife and cutting board if they feel it is necessary. Also, many people require that fresh fruits and vegetables be checked in specific ways to spot hard-to-find bugs, so that would be another thing to ask your guests about.

9. Sandwiches

Sandwiches: a fairly easy solution (source)Cold deli sandwiches can be a relatively easy and practical idea for a strictly kosher guest. Here are some things you could get:

• A kosher-certified loaf of bread. Sometimes these are hard to find, but they do occasionally exist in mainstream grocery stores. Check with your guests about the hechsher, and leave the package unopened. If you can't find a loaf of bread that is kosher, you may have more success with bagels.
• Mayonaisse, mustard, or other condiments. Again, check with your guests about the hechsher, and do not open the containers or break the seals. Have disposable flatware on hand for serving. Squeezables make things easier.
• Some kosher deli meat in an unopened package. Once again, just because it has a hechsher, you can't assume that it will meet your guests' standards. For example, some people are unsatisfied with the commonly available Hebrew National brand, although others will think it's just fine. If you don't have access to kosher deli meat, you might have more success with cheese or fish, such as lox (smoked salmon).
• Fresh vegetables, such as onions, lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, alfalfa sprouts, or cucumbers. Ask your guest about bringing their own knife and cutting board so they can slice them when they arrive. Also, give them a chance to check them for bugs first. (Lettuce is notorious in this regard.)
• Packaged, kosher-certified toppings or sides, such as pickles or potato chips.
• Kosher-certified drinks in unopened bottles or cans. Most Coke and Pepsi products are kosher-approved, even if they do not say so on the label. Check with your guests. Also, tap water in a disposable cup is not likely to pose a problem.

To reiterate, it is not a good idea to surprise your guests with a meal like this. They would probably appreciate it the most if you coordinate with them and work out the details together.

10. Kashering

Stove: can be kashered"Kashering" means making something kosher, such tools, appliances, surfaces, and utensils. It might be possible to make your own cooking appliances or dishes kosher, even just temporarily. Different items are made kosher in different ways. Some dishes can be made kosher by boiling them. The burners of certain stoves can be made kosher simply by turning them on. Some ovens can be made kosher by putting them through a self-cleaning cycle. All of these things might give you more options to work with for serving guests. Note that you will need to ask your guests what they feel needs to be done to make a certain thing kosher, and they might want to be present for the process. Also note that the process might require that the item is first thoroughly cleaned and unused for 24 hours before it can be made kosher.

If making your oven kosher does not seem like a viable option, it still might be possible to use it to cook, if the food is double-wrapped. If you get a disposable baking pan and aluminum foil, it may be possible to make more elaborate dishes such as chicken or lasagna, even in a non-kosher oven.

Making Guests Comfortable

People with strict kosher standards often feel self-conscious about their needs. The inconvenience of their standards might lead them to withdraw and not pursue invitations, because they do not want to impose on others. You can overcome this by making extra effort to make them feel like they can be honest about what they need or desire. Ultimately, when you go out of your way to affirm them and meet their needs, even though it doesn't seem like much, your guests will be overwhelmed and delighted by your hospitality.

Visiting a Kosher Home

What can I bring?

Shabbos Table: (source)Have you been invited to a kosher home and want to know what you can contribute to show your appreciation? People with a strictly kosher home know how challenging that can be, so most do not expect anything in return. But understandably, many guests do not want to show up empty handed. So what can you bring that your hosts will appreciate?

Shabbos Concerns

If you are invited for a Shabbos/Shabbat/Sabbath meal, then that adds a layer of complication. As a general rule, if you intend to bring a gift for a host that is strictly Sabbath observant, try to give it to them before sunset or candle-lighting time on Friday evening. There are a few reasons for this:

• One can only give and receive gifts on Shabbat that are intended for use on Shabbat. So, for example, it would not be permitted for your hosts to receive a gift of a pen or screwdriver set, since they could not use them on Shabbat.
• Plants cannot be watered on Shabbat.
• Carrying things outdoors in certain areas is prohibited on Shabbat.
• Some types of packages cannot be opened on Shabbat. On the other hand, your hosts might not be able to accept food items if they are already opened.

(Similar rules apply on some of the holidays as well.)

Here are some ideas:

Non-food items

You can alleviate kosher concerns altogether by bringing something other than food.

A card. Just write your "thank you" inside and you will get your point across just fine. If it is Shabbat by the time you get there, don't seal the envelope.

A toy for the kids. If it is Shabbat by the time you get there, remember that the gift wrap or package itself might be difficult or impossible to open on Shabbat. Also, they might not be able to accept the gift if it is not usable on Shabbat, such as electronics or musical instruments.

Flowers. This is a customary Shabbat gift, since it is traditional to decorate the house with flowers in honor of the Sabbath. If it is Shabbat by the time you get there, it will not be permitted to place the flowers in water, but here is what you can do:

• Bring a potted plant or flowers already in water
• Have the host place them in a dry vase. They will probably do fine until Shabbat is over.

Beverages

Wine. Wine is a traditional Shabbat gift, since it is certainly something that people need and use on Shabbat. However, if your guests keep strict kosher, then the wine must bear a reliable kosher certification. You should also check with your hosts to see if they prefer that wine is mevushal (cooked). If the wine is mevushal, it will typically say so on the label.

A lot of the kosher wine that is readily available is a syrupy-sweet type that doesn't suit everyone. Other types of wine are available in areas with a more substantial Jewish population. Huge varieties of kosher wine are also available online.

Some wine bottles can be opened on Shabbat without difficulty. Others are problematic, so it is best to bring it before Shabbat if possible.

Beer. If you know that your hosts are beer drinkers, then a six pack isn't a bad idea. Some beer has kosher certification. Many types of beer, however, do not need certification. Check with your hosts to see what they prefer. Opinions vary about opening cans on Shabbat, but glass beer bottles are not usually a problem.

Soft drinks. Many major brands of soft drinks are kosher, even if they do not say so on the label. Some people do not permit opening plastic soda bottle caps with a ring seal on Shabbat. As mentioned above, opinions vary about opening cans. Old fashioned glass bottles with a metal bottlecap are not usually a problem. As always, check with your hosts about what brands they accept as kosher and what types of containers are Shabbat-safe.

Packaged foods

If you bring any kind of food item, make sure that it bears a reliable kosher certification. Ask your hosts about which kosher symbols they accept.

Unless you coordinate otherwise, you should also make sure the food you bring is also neither meat nor dairy. Meat status is usually obvious. Dairy status is indicated next to the kosher symbol, usually with a letter D or the word "Dairy."

Do not open the package before you arrive. If you are coming for Shabbat, it is best to arrive well before sunset, because some packages cannot be opened on Shabbat.

Fresh fruits or vegetables

Raw, whole fruits and vegetables don't usually need kosher supervision. However, do not do any preparation, such as cutting or peeling. (Washing is usually OK.) That makes fruits and vegetables that don't need preparation a particularly good idea, such as apples, oranges, or grapes.

Depending on the type of produce, your hosts might need to prepare the food in a certain way or check for bugs. In some cases it is necessary to prepare the food before the Sabbath begins.

Your friendly smile

Bringing a gift can be tricky, especially on Shabbat. Most likely, your host is not expecting you to bring anything and will be happy just to have you around. You can always stick a thank you card or gift in the mail and brighten their day later in the week.